The Ottawa Half Marathon. It's this weekend. DH and I are both signed up for it. He's hoping for another strong performance, like ATB (improved his time by about 15 minutes this year, forgot to say that in my other post) and Kingston. Me? I'm just hoping for a solid run. Notice I said "run", not "race".

At this point, my confidence is at a fairly low ebb, and I don't really know what to expect of myself. After 2007 being a year of successes (unexpectedly wonderful time at ATB! personal course record and third place age group at Kingston Half! BQ at Ottawa! five minute PB and BQ at Scotiabank!), 2008 has been the year of "could have gone better". ATB - hamstring cramps :( Boston - digestive problems and major seizing up :( Kingston was the bright light in there, but it was only 5 km.

As recently as March or even April I would have said that my half marathon time was somewhere around 1:45. Now? I just don't know. At the risk of throwing myself a pity party, right at the moment I am not feeling like a particularly good runner. Boston really did a number on my confidence. Yes, the primary problem was my guts - no doubt about that. Part of me still worries about using that as a copout and an excuse, but I have to find a way to turn that voice off. What happened was not avoidable. I have done lots of long runs, I have done two marathons, I have fought through mushy guts many times. This was different. I hated stopping, tried to avoid it, managed for a while (twice, even), but in the end the body had its demands and there was no arguing. And that took its toll on the rest of me.

A marathon is such a big deal - it's a long distance and it takes (for me) disciplined training. And unfortunately, although I'm thrilled to have done Boston and although objectively it was a pretty good marathon time for my age group, what I don't really know, for certain, is whether I was ready, whether I had trained enough. Objectively, I think so. Five weeks before I did a 38 km long run and could have gone longer. My training program was almost identical to the one I used for Scotiabank, and in some ways it was tougher - four runs a week right from the start, plus regular speedwork and hills. Hips and hamstrings felt great. By the time things started to happen, around Mile 14, yes, I was feeling the effort. But I was also feeling quite good overall, running pretty steady. Heat was a factor but not a dealbreaker. Then after the first stop I just couldn't get fully back into the rhythm, couldn't find a pace and keep myself steady. Then, of course, things skidded downhill into the second stop. So the real question in my mind, which will be forever unanswered: had I not had to stop, what would have happened? Would my quads have seized up like that? It happens. Or would I have had the nice 3:45 or so run that was my A goal?

So between the electrolyte cramps at ATB and the issues at Boston, I just don't have a great sense of what my actual running fitness is right now. Since returning from Boston my training runs have been okay. Maybe. While running I find myself feeling quite anxious about running, and how it's going, and I'm second guessing everything. At the 16 km point and feeling a little tired? Clearly I am lousy runner. Hamstrings are a little tight? Clearly my fitness has gone way downhill or I wouldn't be feeling anything right now. Breathing a little too hard while trying to maintain this pace? Obviously I've completely lost it.

This is not a happy place to be. Duh.

As a result, rather than being sort of excited about the Ottawa Half, and looking forward to it, I'm tense. Which is silly. This isn't an important event to me - if DH weren't doing the Half I wouldn't be doing anything. We didn't even register until after Kingston, at the point DH knew that he wasn't injured. This week is a mini-taper, but I really can't claim to have done special training, just kept up some base mileage after taking the first post-Boston week very easy. So there is nothing riding on this and I should be able to just go out and enjoy it. I like the half marathon distance, for many reasons. Instead I'm tense about what my body might do, how it might give out on me, the many things that could go wrong, and so on.

Given half a reason, I'd just drop out, rather than put myself through what is looming in my own personal hell as an all-too-important test.

But - and clearly this shows how conflicted my brain is right now - there is also a part of me that really wishes I was running the marathon. It was my first marathon, I did well (despite the hellish last 10 km), it would be nice to do it again. Even though that would be an even bigger test than a half. Nuts.

For the record, in an attempt to shore up my confidence: last weekend I ran 24 km, at "whatever feels good" pace and hit the 21.1 km mark around 1:44:12 (or so sayeth the Garmin). Of course, I did have a couple of stops in there for traffic lights, and to blow my nose, and to talk to DH for a couple of minutes when we met up en route. So what would my real running time have been without those breaks? Objectively, I should feel pretty good about that time. Instead, I think it doesn't count for much because I didn't time the breaks.

It's too late at night to keep going on this. But I'll post it anyway, if for no other reason than to keep myself honest about where I'm at this very minute.

Four weeks ago yesterday was Boston, which means that four weeks ago today DH and I were on our way home. It was a tough ride as my legs were very stiff and getting in and out of the car was...challenging. My leg muscles were frozen pretty badly after screeching to a halt at the end of the Ottawa Marathon last year, but I think after Boston they were the worst ever. Still, I'm amazed at how quickly they were back to normal - took a few days but I was able to do the Kingston 5 K on the Sunday after.

And therein lies a tale, of sorts. DH and F1 were signed up to do the Half Marathon, which I was missing for the first time since 2001. Not wanting to let our traditional annual event go by and do nothing, I had signed up for the 5 K, figuring that I should be able to at least jog it by then. Right up until race day I could have changed to the Half, and there was a part of me that wanted to, but sanity prevailed.

It was a beautiful day - sunny, almost a little too warm but not for 5 K - and I was feeling good. Not particularly stiff or sore, pretty relaxed, no expectations. So I decided that rather than jog the distance, I would run it hard and see how it went. F1 and I lined up together, his pace was not easy for me but I stuck with him for the first km, then he turned on the jets and was gone. No way I could match that, and I didn't want to. But I did keep on at the pace he'd set, or probably a little slower, and it was an interesting experience. I did want to slow down and take it easy, but this little voice inside was saying things like "It's only 5 km, not the half marathon, you can run hard for 5 km", and in the end I did, finishing in 22:59. Is that a superb time for 5 km? No, but it's pretty darn good. Is it faster than I'd expected? Yes. Was it good enough for third place in my age group? Yes!

The first woman finisher overall was also in my age group, with a smoking 18:15 (now that's a superb time!), and since you can only get one medal, that moved me up to the second place award. A big surprise, all of it, and a great way to experience my first 5 K race. Since I have Boston on the agenda for 2009, Kingston next year may be my second 5 K race. It was a fun experience, but I don't envision myself signing up for any similar short distances without a bunch of surrounding circumstances (like DH again running a different distance in the same event). Too much effort and travel time as compared to the time actually spent running.

It was a good day all round in Kingston. F1 had his best time - around 1:33 - in several years, and DH had his all time personal best, by about seven minutes, with 2:11. What an accomplishment! Especially considering that his previous PB was at Scotiabank, which is almost flat, and Kingston is a tougher course with, IIRC, four significant hills. So it was a pretty happy group having the traditional lunch at the Brew Pub after. Only problem was that I was driving (DH being pretty stiff after pushing that hard) so couldn't actually have a beer, just a few tastes of DH's.

Obviously there is no direct comparison between the Kingston 5 K and the Boston Marathon, but at the same time Kingston was a confidence booster. I never did post about ATB, but the short(ish) story is:

Was feeling good, weather was nice (sunny, not too hot or cold, a little windy but not bad), and went out faster than planned. I was running alone since F1 had a much better feel for the distance and took off, finishing with a final time around 2:18. My average pace was a little less than 5:00/km (about 48:30 at 10 km, 1:14 at 15 km) and I was making an effort to slow down but with limited success. Then at about 16 km my hamstrings and glutes started to tighten up. Uh oh. Tried water and a gel but what I really needed was a salt tablet or two. Unfortunately, I hadn't brought any along, and the gel by itself wasn't enough. By the 20 km point my pace was slowing down, and of course that's about the point the hills start. 20 - 25 km necessitated some walk and stretch breaks, and I finally grabbed some Gatorade from an aid station. Should have done that sooner, and should have had more, because it did provide an electrolyte boost. Should have, would have, could have... The real blessing of this race was that P. met me at the bottom of the big hill (she ran the 5 K earlier) and ran with me almost to the finish. Which was a big help to keep going. It was a long slow climb up that hill, but at least I didn't walk. And some more Gatorade had me doing better, if not great, for a final time of 2:32 and change. Slower than last year, but faster than my plan, and faster than expected once the hamstrings acted up. The cramps did disappear very quickly with food and water, so it was an electrolyte thing. I have now become quite paranoid, take a salt tablet before each run, and usually one or more along the way, depending on the distance and whether I feel that creeping cramping sensation.

What's next? The Ottawa Half Marathon. A subject for a different post.