The Ottawa Half Marathon. It's this weekend. DH and I are both signed up for it. He's hoping for another strong performance, like ATB (improved his time by about 15 minutes this year, forgot to say that in my other post) and Kingston. Me? I'm just hoping for a solid run. Notice I said "run", not "race".
At this point, my confidence is at a fairly low ebb, and I don't really know what to expect of myself. After 2007 being a year of successes (unexpectedly wonderful time at ATB! personal course record and third place age group at Kingston Half! BQ at Ottawa! five minute PB and BQ at Scotiabank!), 2008 has been the year of "could have gone better". ATB - hamstring cramps :( Boston - digestive problems and major seizing up :( Kingston was the bright light in there, but it was only 5 km.
As recently as March or even April I would have said that my half marathon time was somewhere around 1:45. Now? I just don't know. At the risk of throwing myself a pity party, right at the moment I am not feeling like a particularly good runner. Boston really did a number on my confidence. Yes, the primary problem was my guts - no doubt about that. Part of me still worries about using that as a copout and an excuse, but I have to find a way to turn that voice off. What happened was not avoidable. I have done lots of long runs, I have done two marathons, I have fought through mushy guts many times. This was different. I hated stopping, tried to avoid it, managed for a while (twice, even), but in the end the body had its demands and there was no arguing. And that took its toll on the rest of me.
A marathon is such a big deal - it's a long distance and it takes (for me) disciplined training. And unfortunately, although I'm thrilled to have done Boston and although objectively it was a pretty good marathon time for my age group, what I don't really know, for certain, is whether I was ready, whether I had trained enough. Objectively, I think so. Five weeks before I did a 38 km long run and could have gone longer. My training program was almost identical to the one I used for Scotiabank, and in some ways it was tougher - four runs a week right from the start, plus regular speedwork and hills. Hips and hamstrings felt great. By the time things started to happen, around Mile 14, yes, I was feeling the effort. But I was also feeling quite good overall, running pretty steady. Heat was a factor but not a dealbreaker. Then after the first stop I just couldn't get fully back into the rhythm, couldn't find a pace and keep myself steady. Then, of course, things skidded downhill into the second stop. So the real question in my mind, which will be forever unanswered: had I not had to stop, what would have happened? Would my quads have seized up like that? It happens. Or would I have had the nice 3:45 or so run that was my A goal?
So between the electrolyte cramps at ATB and the issues at Boston, I just don't have a great sense of what my actual running fitness is right now. Since returning from Boston my training runs have been okay. Maybe. While running I find myself feeling quite anxious about running, and how it's going, and I'm second guessing everything. At the 16 km point and feeling a little tired? Clearly I am lousy runner. Hamstrings are a little tight? Clearly my fitness has gone way downhill or I wouldn't be feeling anything right now. Breathing a little too hard while trying to maintain this pace? Obviously I've completely lost it.
This is not a happy place to be. Duh.
As a result, rather than being sort of excited about the Ottawa Half, and looking forward to it, I'm tense. Which is silly. This isn't an important event to me - if DH weren't doing the Half I wouldn't be doing anything. We didn't even register until after Kingston, at the point DH knew that he wasn't injured. This week is a mini-taper, but I really can't claim to have done special training, just kept up some base mileage after taking the first post-Boston week very easy. So there is nothing riding on this and I should be able to just go out and enjoy it. I like the half marathon distance, for many reasons. Instead I'm tense about what my body might do, how it might give out on me, the many things that could go wrong, and so on.
Given half a reason, I'd just drop out, rather than put myself through what is looming in my own personal hell as an all-too-important test.
But - and clearly this shows how conflicted my brain is right now - there is also a part of me that really wishes I was running the marathon. It was my first marathon, I did well (despite the hellish last 10 km), it would be nice to do it again. Even though that would be an even bigger test than a half. Nuts.
For the record, in an attempt to shore up my confidence: last weekend I ran 24 km, at "whatever feels good" pace and hit the 21.1 km mark around 1:44:12 (or so sayeth the Garmin). Of course, I did have a couple of stops in there for traffic lights, and to blow my nose, and to talk to DH for a couple of minutes when we met up en route. So what would my real running time have been without those breaks? Objectively, I should feel pretty good about that time. Instead, I think it doesn't count for much because I didn't time the breaks.
It's too late at night to keep going on this. But I'll post it anyway, if for no other reason than to keep myself honest about where I'm at this very minute.
At this point, my confidence is at a fairly low ebb, and I don't really know what to expect of myself. After 2007 being a year of successes (unexpectedly wonderful time at ATB! personal course record and third place age group at Kingston Half! BQ at Ottawa! five minute PB and BQ at Scotiabank!), 2008 has been the year of "could have gone better". ATB - hamstring cramps :( Boston - digestive problems and major seizing up :( Kingston was the bright light in there, but it was only 5 km.
As recently as March or even April I would have said that my half marathon time was somewhere around 1:45. Now? I just don't know. At the risk of throwing myself a pity party, right at the moment I am not feeling like a particularly good runner. Boston really did a number on my confidence. Yes, the primary problem was my guts - no doubt about that. Part of me still worries about using that as a copout and an excuse, but I have to find a way to turn that voice off. What happened was not avoidable. I have done lots of long runs, I have done two marathons, I have fought through mushy guts many times. This was different. I hated stopping, tried to avoid it, managed for a while (twice, even), but in the end the body had its demands and there was no arguing. And that took its toll on the rest of me.
A marathon is such a big deal - it's a long distance and it takes (for me) disciplined training. And unfortunately, although I'm thrilled to have done Boston and although objectively it was a pretty good marathon time for my age group, what I don't really know, for certain, is whether I was ready, whether I had trained enough. Objectively, I think so. Five weeks before I did a 38 km long run and could have gone longer. My training program was almost identical to the one I used for Scotiabank, and in some ways it was tougher - four runs a week right from the start, plus regular speedwork and hills. Hips and hamstrings felt great. By the time things started to happen, around Mile 14, yes, I was feeling the effort. But I was also feeling quite good overall, running pretty steady. Heat was a factor but not a dealbreaker. Then after the first stop I just couldn't get fully back into the rhythm, couldn't find a pace and keep myself steady. Then, of course, things skidded downhill into the second stop. So the real question in my mind, which will be forever unanswered: had I not had to stop, what would have happened? Would my quads have seized up like that? It happens. Or would I have had the nice 3:45 or so run that was my A goal?
So between the electrolyte cramps at ATB and the issues at Boston, I just don't have a great sense of what my actual running fitness is right now. Since returning from Boston my training runs have been okay. Maybe. While running I find myself feeling quite anxious about running, and how it's going, and I'm second guessing everything. At the 16 km point and feeling a little tired? Clearly I am lousy runner. Hamstrings are a little tight? Clearly my fitness has gone way downhill or I wouldn't be feeling anything right now. Breathing a little too hard while trying to maintain this pace? Obviously I've completely lost it.
This is not a happy place to be. Duh.
As a result, rather than being sort of excited about the Ottawa Half, and looking forward to it, I'm tense. Which is silly. This isn't an important event to me - if DH weren't doing the Half I wouldn't be doing anything. We didn't even register until after Kingston, at the point DH knew that he wasn't injured. This week is a mini-taper, but I really can't claim to have done special training, just kept up some base mileage after taking the first post-Boston week very easy. So there is nothing riding on this and I should be able to just go out and enjoy it. I like the half marathon distance, for many reasons. Instead I'm tense about what my body might do, how it might give out on me, the many things that could go wrong, and so on.
Given half a reason, I'd just drop out, rather than put myself through what is looming in my own personal hell as an all-too-important test.
But - and clearly this shows how conflicted my brain is right now - there is also a part of me that really wishes I was running the marathon. It was my first marathon, I did well (despite the hellish last 10 km), it would be nice to do it again. Even though that would be an even bigger test than a half. Nuts.
For the record, in an attempt to shore up my confidence: last weekend I ran 24 km, at "whatever feels good" pace and hit the 21.1 km mark around 1:44:12 (or so sayeth the Garmin). Of course, I did have a couple of stops in there for traffic lights, and to blow my nose, and to talk to DH for a couple of minutes when we met up en route. So what would my real running time have been without those breaks? Objectively, I should feel pretty good about that time. Instead, I think it doesn't count for much because I didn't time the breaks.
It's too late at night to keep going on this. But I'll post it anyway, if for no other reason than to keep myself honest about where I'm at this very minute.
posted by Jogger Barbie | 9:57 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home